| so disconnected |
[Oct. 26th, 2009|06:01 pm] |
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i just dont feel a connection to this campus. I'm glad i found my niche at BSC...because i dont know if i would have lasted somewhere like this, It's too big and I just don't feel the "homey" ness that I feel other places. It kills me every single day to go to class and try to make the nest out of each day. I'd so much rather be at home or at RMC, believe it or not. I just want to get through it. I need to. I don't want to let everyone down by quitting. I used to want to be here. Now, I'd rather be anywhere but. |
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| Make new friends, but keep the old... |
[Jan. 13th, 2009|11:50 pm] |
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.... didn't we learn that in kindergarten?
i don't know how I feel about this whole situation. I don't have a real problem with him. I think he's a good friend and he hasn't really done anything to me that would make me think otherwise (I don't think that talking to his gf about their future and how he's feeling about it counts as him doing anything bad to me...) Even she tells me that he thinks very highly of me, he listens to what I have to say, and respects me... I think those are not terrible things to have in a friend.
Sure he's strange... and can come off as....rude, sometimes.....but I really don't think that he's that bad. I don't think that I would say that I'm not friends with him anymore. And if/when I have another party, I think I would invite him again. I mean, it would be extremely rude not to, considering I would invite everyone else from the office that we are mutally friends with.... But I feel like that might make friends from home upset. No one here really liked him. But I don't know.....I really think that hes a good friend (to me) and that after everything, he would be there for me no matter what... Since I started there I have felt some strange connection to him for some reason...
This whole e situation is way out of control.... and it needs to be over. And it will be, tomorrow...I just want everyone to get along. I feel so pressured in this situation and I feel like I cannot make everyone happy no matter what I say to anyone. I feel like if I patch things up at work with him like I want to, then I am upsetting my brother and my friends from home....it's not even like I have a problem with him- I don't...it's all settled. But if I don't settle things once and for all, work is going to be excrutiatingly awfully awkward for everyone....and I'm out a friend. Doesn't quite seem fair to anyone....
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2008|08:50 pm] |
my heart hurts.
a real, legitimate, pain.
Nana, Papa, and Patrick.
I love you. I miss you. More than anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|11:03 pm] |
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Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Or would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment? One moment, that you've always wanted back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|11:20 pm] |
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so much is so different now. everything...everyone...i dont like it one bit. |
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| ...Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone.... |
[Oct. 29th, 2008|09:26 pm] |
I can't believe it's been 4 months.
It feels like my graduation party was yesterday.. when you were following me around my aunts meeting all of my family. There were so many questions from them that I had to answer when you left, haha.
Today was the easiest "29th" that I've had, so far. I only got teary at 4 pm... and now is the only time all day that I think I am about to break down. I even had to go to a wake tonight and I didnt cry. I think my defense mechanism is just "feel nothing". I think thats how I'm learning to deal. just....dont feel anything. Your eyes get less bloodshot and puffy that way - with no tears. Fewer people ask you if you're okay. Then you dont have to lie as much...don't have to tell them you're ok. Just pretend you're okay to begin with and no one asks. I figured it out.
anyway.... I miss you so much.. Wish you were here. It's really hard without you.
"Miss you too can't wait to see you"
i love you. |
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| try as i might I just can't handle thiss.... |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|09:22 pm] |
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I've been so sad lately. Not even about anything specific. just down. I miss my friends. I miss having people around me all the time. I feel like people have just dropped off the face of the earth since we all started working. I think I'm just lonely. Maybe I need to find a new scene.. I don't know.. I need to figure out how to kick this blahness I have been experiencing. I just wish everything/one could be back how it used to be........ |
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| peace out summer 2008. |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|06:08 pm] |
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"It's funny how one summer can change everything... So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changed. That summer was mine." -that.summer-sarah.dessen-
at 3:44 pm tomorrow, summer will OFFICIALLY be all done.
and I've never been happier to see a summer be over with.
missyou. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2008|01:46 am] |
Every time I'm supposed to come see him I trick myself into thinking that it's gonna be different this time. But it never is. It's always just different shades of the same.
-Dawson's Creek
HA!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2008|08:59 pm] |
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oh how i miss you.... |
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| not okay. |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|08:58 pm] |
It's been a month and im not okay. Like at all. I'm bawli my eyes out right now. but i pretend to be okay when I'm with others. Like last night, all I wanted to do at starbucks was sit and cry. like real hard. I cried a little, when it was okay to...but after, i was so down. but i pulled thru and went out after and pretended to be okay. But im not. at all. like at all. Im really trying. I'm trying so hard not to cry anymore. I don't cry every night, which is good, i guess...but then it all hits me again and i'm a mess like this.
So i'm going out to try to feel okay.. but we're going to the beach. the whole time that im there im going to be thinking about him....i always am. Kris and Ryan are on their way to get me... I need to stop crying. Time to go put on my happy face so I don't bring everyone down.
i'm so not okay. |
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| happy birthday |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|08:36 pm] |
I can't stop thinking about a year ago today.... and everything that was said.
And now I'm here, thinking about it, and he's gone.
And I hate it.
Not a good day today. Not at all.
I miss you so much, Patrick. Wish you were here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2008|12:53 pm] |
im at work. I'm a mess. I just got a promotion...but im on the verge of tears.
i miss you so much. there's got to be something wrong with me. I need to go see a doctor. How long am I going to be like this for? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|07:05 am] |
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two weeks have passed... and it's still as hard to deal with as it was on day one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|10:34 pm] |
This isn't getting any easier. I thought it was supposed to get easier.
I said goodbye. I think about him constantly and talk to him all the time. I know hes listening.
Today is the first day that I have been alone in this. I have had so much to occupy my mind. I tried to go to sleep, but sitting in the silence, it all just hit me. In between awake and asleep, I pictured the four of us on the beach last night. There was supposed to be five people sitting there. I think he was there, in spirit and in all of those shooting stars I saw....but it doesn't help. It doesn't help at all because he should BE here. Sitting with me right now. Little by little I am letting out to others how much he meant to me... and one day I will be able to say it to you, I think....but I can't right now... because you're going to think that I'm being dramatic or stupid. But I don't think I have EVER felt so sure about something in my life. And now I'll never get to see it happen like I know it was supposed to.
the pastor said that it's not god who does things like this, but it's god who gives us the courage and the strength to get through the hard times after something like this happen. Well, i'm not feeling very strong or courageous right now.....so what am I supposed to believe? This doesn't make sense to me. I hate things that don't make sense. I can't do this anymore. I wish I were with him.
I hate this so much. I want him back more than anything. First kiss to last kiss... That was how it was supposeed to be. So why am I sitting here crying without him here anymore?
I miss you so much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|08:00 pm] |
| [ | my ears hear: |
| | Mayday parade | ] |
I swear that you dont have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow, to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
and spend every moment I have with you
stay up all night with the stars
confess all the faith that I had in you
I had in you
Too late, im sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me baby
...i'd give anything |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2008|03:23 pm] |
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"And although we are all missing a part of our hearts as we say goodbye today, know that they are all a bit bigger because a piece of Patricks are with all of us" - Matt |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2008|01:19 pm] |
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore
On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2008|10:09 pm] |
| [ | happy or sad?: |
| |  melancholy | ] |
this sucks so much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|12:24 am] |
i dont know how to do this.
i dont know what i'm supposed to do.
...i just dont know... |
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